Story #28: Stuck in Limbo. And totally slacking off because of it.
As we (my man and me) wait to hear back from medical schools, I find myself abstaining from further commitment to things (especially to art projects). I have made many big changes and big moves in my life, so I recognize the pattern. The pattern of loving and then hating the city you live in. It’s like fighting with someone right before they are going somewhere to make the separation easier. It is the cycle of waiting for a life-altering event and planning everything around it despite the lack of certainty. I am trying to embrace these patterns, bite my teeth into them. There’s a feeling of relief, allowing myself to sink into the “go with the flow” mentality. I don’t want to push too hard to pursue huge projects before potentially uprooting my entire life.
And yet, there’s the disappointment and the frustration, too.
I DO have plans that are going to happen one way or another. I have ideas and projects that I want to bring to fruition. It feels like every break, even just a few days away from art, cause the momentum to slow. It’s a bit like pushing a large boulder across a minimal slope, when it hasn’t picked up quite enough speed to keep rolling on its own. But I suppose that’s much of any business in the first 5 years.
I am hoping to paint 1-5 murals over the summer and I look forward to doing so. These are currently the projects I am most looking forward to because they allow me to collaborate with friends and to visit different places. I am also still applying to certain shows and turning down others.
It’s hard because the lack of definite plans means that I may not be around to install or de-install a show. I am continuously reminded of the colossal task that moving is. It’s easier if you can do it with one bag, but I’m not living the minimalist lifestyle anymore! Have you ever done that? Moved to a a new city/state/country with just one bag?
It certainly is a freeing experience – abandoning the majority of your possessions. I try to KonMari the shit out of my life on a regular basis. That is also an emotional and physical undertaking that should not be underestimated. However, the idea of building a home in a new city increases my attachment to the things I have acquired here in San Francisco over the past several years.
This limbo state is showing me exactly where my enthusiasm lies. Being in the “who knows” territory lends a blasè attitude towards anything you aren’t crazy about. And this is why I am so happy and grateful that I signed up for this professional coaching program. It’s like having a good book in your back pocket. Stuck at a train station? No problem, I’ve got this awesome book! Stuck in the great unknown of infinity? Bring it on!
But it’s not infinity. It’s sometime between now (like right now) and mid-August. Damn you medical schools! Damn You! I like to say that this application process verges on psychological torture. You mean we could MOVE and JAC could start classes and then UCLA could call us back home in August? Jesus Christ.
OK, that’s enough ranting about the medical schools. My enthusiasm lies with painting, this blog, and my coaching program. I am excited to spend quality time with YOU, and you, and you! This is a great time of year to appreciate all that San Francisco has to offer. And the thought of moving lights a fire under my ass to organize a garage sale or sell all my crap on craigslist.
Also… I can’t move with ALL my art, so if you want to make me an offer on any of my pieces (see Instagram or come over for a coffee or whiskey!)… Just Sayin’!
Speaking of which, I have an art opening next Friday, May 5th, at City Art Gallery. 828 Valencia Street. I will have new paintings on display for sale!
Or maybe you just would rather indulge me in a complimentary coaching session? You can be my guinea pig. My treat 😉 lara at lara buelow dot com is where you can reach me.
Yours floating around in limbo space, XO ❤ LB