September 22: What are the intentions of an artist? What are the intentions of a career in art?
One of my goals this month is to take the time to explore what my intentions are for my art career. The sudden transition from living in San Francisco, pursuing art and coaching side by side, to moving to Denver within a matter of days has been jarring in ways that I could not have anticipated.
I can’t tell you how much I do not want to write this post.
The reason I made this one of my goals is because I have a lot of resistance to sitting down and writing out specific intentions for how to continue on my art journey. So I’ll share a (not so secret) secret with you – more of a little known fact, but anyway: I was accepted to Otis School of Design a few months ago, before we had heard back from medical schools. When JAC got an interview at UCLA I began fantasizing about attending school together. I began the application process very late, but did the work that needed to be done. I visited the UCLA campus and scheduled a tour of the MFA studios on the same day that JAC interviewed for medical school. I also went to visit Otis on the other side of town.
The MFA application process was hell for me. I cried a lot. I questioned everything. It made me hate my work and made me feel purposeless in my endeavors. I say “made me.” I say that knowing that it doesn’t quite hit the mark – because the process didn’t make me, I made myself miserable. I saw every essay question as a reflection of how I had failed, as a person and as an artist. I could probably write a whole post about the application process. The point is, I did not enjoy it. I did, however, complete three MFA applications.
You know what else I did not really enjoy? Getting accepted to Otis. That’s a lie – I eventually found joy in it. Sweet sweet validation! Yes! External markers that INDEED, I AM WORTHY.
When I first received my acceptance, I was 1) shocked! 2) scared to tell JAC and 3) annoyed because I would have to wait to respond. And wait I would! Much longer than I thought I would have to. The trouble with being accepted was that now the ball was back in my court and I would have to make a decision! GAH!
It was hard to tell Otis I wasn’t coming. It is one of those dumb things, that even when you know you are making the right choice (thanks gut brain!), you still have FOMO. You put the work in and you want to have the experience, but you don’t want to put in the time and energy that is actually required for the experience. If that makes any sense.
All of this to say – I am not setting specific intentions for my art career at this time. There’s too much other shit going on. I hated looking at this goal on my list so much, I have come around to thinking: what’s the big deal here? Why am I pressuring myself so much to make a conclusion or a statement about my artwork?
I believe there will be a time and place that may require more specificity around my intentions with art. That time is not right now.
Rock your creative hearts out this weekend, XOXO ❤ LB